?

Log in

Jul. 12th, 2005 @ 10:20 am Part 6: Severus.
About this Entry
switchknife:
[User Picture Icon]
From:lookfar
Date:July 12th, 2005 02:56 am (UTC)
(Permanent Link)
"would have laughed, would it not have spoiled the moment" is what you meant to type, I think.

*Man,* Switchknife, you are back, aren't you? This whole paragraph is hot:

Not that it hadn't been... fascinating... to watch Potter come. To watch him crumble, defiance into stuttering, gasping desire--and it had been all Severus could do to keep speaking in a calm, distracted tone, seeing Potter shudder and arch and bite his lip, mouth hot and soft against the chill dungeon air. The child had obviously thought he was managing to hide it, what he was doing, what he was feeling as he tried to hold himself still--and that was so ridiculous it was almost charming, and Severus would have laughed had it not spoiled the moment.

You used the alternating narrative structure to great advantage here. I really didn't know until I got to yours if Harry had been observed or not, or if the frottage was deliberate or -- well, not accidental, but unconscious.

The way you move into Snape's thoughts is natural and consistent, and your nasty Snape is believable and canon-correct.

And I'm really, really hoping that this will be a case of the seducer seduced. I think you're heading in that direction... sigh.
From:switchknife
Date:July 12th, 2005 05:39 am (UTC)
(Permanent Link)
Oh, thanks for pointing out that grammatical oversight! (This is what you get for having 15 different versions of one chapter... :D) I've corrected it now, to read: 'would have laughed if it wouldn't have spoiled the moment.'

I'm so glad you found that paragraph hot! The very thought of watching Harry come makes me Snape hot. Whether he'll admit it or not.

And yes, this narrative structure is one of the plus points of co-writing. With each person taking on a different character, we can provide mirror insights into the same event, from different perspectives. It's like a wonderful game of hide and seek, and Atra totally THREW me with her chapter. Hee--you can ask her just how ASDLKJALKJLJSKLF I was after that frottage scene. I think my Snape lost all his marbles for quite some time, and I had to wait before I could respond with anything coherent. ;)

... and canon-correct.

Except that canon!Snape doesn't diddle little boys, not to our knowledge. :D

... this will be a case of the seducer seduced.

It is rather impossible to resist Atra's Harry, isn't it?

Thank you! *hugs*